Uni all nighter...WHEY

I'm such a procrastinator and a lazy little shit. As always I'm very last minute and left my 2,000 essay and 1,000 plod literally a day before the deadline. I was in London for 5 days and coming back and realising I have a fuck ton of work load to do, so I start to panic. Like half way through the essay and 4 coffees in I started to have a anxiety attack and panic PANIC PANIC! Tried to calm myself down and rang Ainsley because I knew he would calm me down with his calm ass demure. It worked...until he hung up and I was left with 1000 more words to type. I'm DYSLEXIC for sure and my concentration and attention spam is.....

I had 30 mins sleep more like a power nap. Handed that bitch ass essay 10 mins before the deadline and now I'm in Ainsley's bed typing this wondering why I'm not dead asleep yet...

Oh well...

His bed smells sour

Sour Ainsley sour Ainsley

He's turning the music up louder

Sour Ainsley sour Ainsley

ok cba

bye 

LY

p.s I need to get on top of my work or I'm gonna throw myself off a bridge...lol jk 

LND

LONDON WAS LOVELY. 5 DAYS OF STROLLING. AINSLEY'S FACE BLEW UP lol
I LOST MY VOICE. WINTER WONDERLAND...
I'll get back to this I'm too tired. I'm running on 30 mins of sleep...

Chilling

Last night i finally got to just "chill" with Ainsley. It was nice we watched two black mirror episodes, drank, smoke and ate my Carbonara. After we made love for the first time on his sofa - it was amazing as usual... Since moving into his new home we haven't really been the same in the sense of we just "chill and hang out" at home. There's something different I just cant quite put my finger on it but it was still lovely and we needed it for sure, we've been so busy and trying to do things together (e.g dates, town, concerts ect) that we I missed just doing nothing for once. Maybe its just because he's not lonely anymore and doesn't need MY company that much because there's someone else. Like before I was close and quick to come to him but now even tho he lives closer to me you'd assume I'd be over even more but its actually the opposite. However I think I just need to get used to the fact that we're at that stage of relationship where we (more him) needs space to do our thing and the comfortability is great but i don't want it that much to the point that he's laid back about us. I get annoyed when there have been perfect moments to say the words ' i love you' to me but i feel like i have to say it first and more just to get it out of him...i just need that verbal recognition of love and i've mentioned it before and it just seems to lessen...hey maybe its a guy things i dunno. So anyways, i stayed over and as usual i wake up earlier than him and had to wait for about 2 hours for his lazy ass to get up, i love waking up next to him tho its comforting and it genuinely makes me happy and at ease.  Right now I'm typing this entry while he plays Skyrim...

" Love is a sheet of paper with a list of bullet points written in our partners handwriting" - School of life

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s-NiJzwdN0Y

2 days

Had a lovely couple of days with Ainsley, we went town with his mum the first day and had Nandos for the first time evaa together. Even me and Ainsley have never had a "cheeky Nandos" there and thats date day central. Had an amazing time with the amazing Myles'. We were in town for so long and due to my urges (coitus time err) I almost missed my hair appointment - which lasted for 4 hours and didn't get out till 10pm! Keane is definitely Bi and maybe he'll still be my hairdresser when I go back and read this lol. Still trying to get used to my hair and flaunt it confidently but glad everyone likes it. Ainsley got white girl wasted that night and drunk called me it was pretty funny I'm glad I'm in his thoughts even though his thoughts are not coherent due to the excessive intake of alcohol aha I love how he calls me drunk at the end of his night it reassures and comforts me and I know some guys wont do that but I'm happy he respects and thinks of me wherever, whenever.

Next day he came over and I made him Nasi Goreng egg and rice. He was all over me and i was loving it, I love it when he can't keep his hands off me or give me that cheeky look and smirk. My downstairs gets flooded! After eating we were left alone in the kitchen and next thing you know we're doing it! The riskiest we've been so far but nothing out the ordinary for us, we just can't help it sometimes...Most times... 

He can't keep his hands off me

Touch and squeeze gently

Slowly stroke my innner thigh and you'll see

That once you do that

there's no stopping me 

Head on straight A

Ainsley is right thats why i hate him for it. He's so much more older and wiser than i that sometimes i feel so dumb around him. But i do hate it sometimes, he doesn't help and makes me seem stupid with his arsy replies. I just wish he'd understand that all this motivational talks and giving it to me blunt about not having anything for myself affects me greatly. Instead of it helping me out by making me realise, its just done the opposite I've reached a new low of sadness and I'm trying to occupy my time and do things that I want (e.g hair and gym and friends) but it still not enough. I feel like they're just fillers and temporary distractions of reality or I'm just a pessimist lol just get over it Alyssa, do what makes you happy...
Sometimes i feel like Ainsley is changing me or actually has and I don't really know who I am anymore without him but that just leads back to the whole dependant thing, but I'm gonna start now and learn how to be ok with just my own company. But no matter how harsh it comes across he's right we need that "self progression" and i need to work hard for something, even if its not something that i particularly like or want right now I just need to WORK. Its all easy saying you need to do that, figure that out, learn this ect but actually finding the motivation is so so hard that you're just stuck in this continuous loop of trying but not trying hard enough so you don't get shit done. Life's hard. I've only just realised that at the age of 21...

Get your shit together
Nothings forever
Life is hard then you die
At least give it a fucking TRY

Am I CODEPNDENT on him...

I've Been reading articles about codependent relationships and dependant relationships and its kinda opened my eyes. Being conscious of it now and the realisation has put things into perspective. I do feel like I’ve lost a little bit of myself since being involve and being in a relationship and i want to find that back or at least figure out what I want in my life right now. Its my fault too tbh I’ve procrastinated so much in my life that i really don’t know how to find the motivation anymore. I want to do something for me, for ME to be proud of for OTHERS to be proud of. Being with Ainsley is amazing and life is filled with warmth and happiness but I mostly only feel that when I’m with him and that feeling slowly disappears when I’m left alone again, wondering what to do to and how to pass time until i see him again. I’m glad i see this now but also it saddens me to the core because this makes me seem weak but thats probably the pessimist in me speaking...
I want to be able to be OK by myself - I mean I used to be but now that I've found my soul mate and other half its kinda hard to detach from that sometimes...

love YOU

How A feels atm

I love Ainsley but I love him so much that I've lost a bit of myself in the sense of who I am. This is pure love and hopefully my only love. I've never been inlove before so when I first was touched by it I was in heaven. It was euphoric and magical. First love First everything. But all that slowly calmed down and now the reality of being in a relationship has sunk in and my GOD its fucking hard. All those feelings in the beginning were so heightened and new that you kinda got so caught up in it. Oh how it was pure bliss to not worry and just love love LOVE. Don't get me wrong I'm still inlove with all my heart but there are new emotions thrown into the mix like paranoia, anxiety and the worst of all just overthinking. Since I've never really been in a relationship i had no one idea how to go about it and just kinda delve right into it. Its such an amazing feeling to know you have someone there by your side to love and to hold you in times of need.
Ainsley has such a beautiful mind, body and soul and a life without him now is unimaginable. I honestly have never felt so much adoration for a being (well Ella lol but thats different) and I will continue to love him till my last breath.
But being inlove or in a relationship takes work, time and effort and when you do put all those things into it its seriously worth it. There's no such thing as a "perfect" relationship and I've come into terms with that because at first in the beginning of everything i thought it was all perfect but as time went by and the more we got to know each other the more difficult it was to see it as "perfect". Right now i feel kinda lost in the relationship i feel like the age difference between us is finally taking its toll and things that have not come into light before are now only showing up. By being so inlove with a another person you kinda lose yourself... I feel like i have...I'm only just coming into terms with that now...

love YOU

Today I start...

It's been years since I've been on here and now i want to use this as an outlet for my thoughts and just for me. A lot has happened in the past few years and a lot has changed. I want to commit to this now (probably wont) and start writing how i feel, just write anything, everything, for I find that much easier than speaking. I'm a very anxious person I worry about miscellaneous things and let my overthinking take over. Its like a tumour, it spreads... 

I'm not perfect and no one is - such a cliche but I'm only starting to understand this now. I'm not myself sometimes but sometimes I don't even know myself. I'm 21 years of age and I've never felt like this before. I've been properly exposed to real sadness and depression, which is horrible it's hard to conquer sometimes, you just gotta ride it out. But I've also been exposed to LOVE. I'm irrevocably and utterly INlove. Ainsley has changed myself completely but I'll get into more detail about that on another post. 

This is a way for me to let things out and reflect on them. I want to be able to commit to something even if it is just writing once a week. I need this. Theres no one that understands me more than me. I'm no good with pen and paper but typing this all up is easier and its kinda like meditation to me. instead of reflecting in my own mind I can physically write all the stress and worries away. 

As I write this, I'm in a emotionally state (lol when am i ever not) and I don't feel like i can fully confine in anyone physical atm so my laptop will do. 

No one ever tells you that at a certain age you will feel lost and lonely, no matter how many people you know or are surrounded by, no matter how many people love and care for you, no matter how many people pay attention to you, you are still on your own. In the end of the day you are alone in this big ass world and even when you find your soul mate, that feeling of loneliness still resides somewhere deep inside of you. Fuck Alyssa you sound so depressing. Im getting so off topic now my head is a strange place, I'm pretty down atm and writing this so far has made me feel even more shit lolol. No but seriously do this for yourself Alyssa, just when you feel a little down or lost just write and hopefully it will help a little. Its a cathartic way of doing it...

love YOU