Today I start...

It's been years since I've been on here and now i want to use this as an outlet for my thoughts and just for me. A lot has happened in the past few years and a lot has changed. I want to commit to this now (probably wont) and start writing how i feel, just write anything, everything, for I find that much easier than speaking. I'm a very anxious person I worry about miscellaneous things and let my overthinking take over. Its like a tumour, it spreads... 

I'm not perfect and no one is - such a cliche but I'm only starting to understand this now. I'm not myself sometimes but sometimes I don't even know myself. I'm 21 years of age and I've never felt like this before. I've been properly exposed to real sadness and depression, which is horrible it's hard to conquer sometimes, you just gotta ride it out. But I've also been exposed to LOVE. I'm irrevocably and utterly INlove. Ainsley has changed myself completely but I'll get into more detail about that on another post. 

This is a way for me to let things out and reflect on them. I want to be able to commit to something even if it is just writing once a week. I need this. Theres no one that understands me more than me. I'm no good with pen and paper but typing this all up is easier and its kinda like meditation to me. instead of reflecting in my own mind I can physically write all the stress and worries away. 

As I write this, I'm in a emotionally state (lol when am i ever not) and I don't feel like i can fully confine in anyone physical atm so my laptop will do. 

No one ever tells you that at a certain age you will feel lost and lonely, no matter how many people you know or are surrounded by, no matter how many people love and care for you, no matter how many people pay attention to you, you are still on your own. In the end of the day you are alone in this big ass world and even when you find your soul mate, that feeling of loneliness still resides somewhere deep inside of you. Fuck Alyssa you sound so depressing. Im getting so off topic now my head is a strange place, I'm pretty down atm and writing this so far has made me feel even more shit lolol. No but seriously do this for yourself Alyssa, just when you feel a little down or lost just write and hopefully it will help a little. Its a cathartic way of doing it...

love YOU